Horror

Correspondence Log

Hello B—, 

I’ve forwarded your email re: the growing hole oozing in the corner of the open floor space plan to maintenance. It may take them a few days to get to it, because as you know, since J— disappeared (no call, no notice! Who does that?) they’re a bit understaffed. 

In the meantime, would you mind taking your computer back to the desk where you normally sit? I know there are technically “no assigned seats,” but it’s throwing off our feng shui to have you sitting where A— normally sits. She’s hinted at it, and I’d like to nip this problem in the bud. 

Any news on the Stenson sale? 

All the best, 

M—

Hi Again B—, 

While I understand that you may be frustrated, it makes A— (and me, to be frank) feel threatened when you use expletives in the workplace. Look, anyone in your position would be feeling anxious, but that is no excuse for that kind of language. 

There haven’t been any problems with your performance before, but I want to say this in no uncertain terms: if you curse again, I’ll be reporting you to Human Resources. That kind of behavior is completely unacceptable. 

Try to focus on the Stenson sale. If you can land them, it’ll mean a big commission. 

All the best, 

M—

Hi B—, 

Unfortunately, we have a very clear policy on using sick or personal days. I’m sorry that you’re upset. I’m sorry the hole is getting bigger. I’m sorry the stench of “rotten cauliflower” as you describe it, has given you a headache, but you’ve got to give at least 48 hours of notice for a sick day. 

I’ve talked to my superior, G—, and he’s authorized me to allow you to have an extra fifteen minutes on your lunch break today. That’s thirty-five minutes to relax, get your head straight, and come back and nail this Stenson deal. 

All the best, 

M—

Hi B—, 

Whether something oozed out of the hole and touched your foot or not, I was very clear about the consequences for continued use of expletives in the office. 

I’m sorry to say, I’ve reported you to HR. 

All the best, 

M—

Dear Mr. B—, 

My name is H— and I’m writing you from the department of Human Resources. Let me start out by stressing, you’re not in trouble, or being punished, or facing disciplinary action, but I’ve heard some concerning things from your manager, M— and your desk mate A—. 

Now, I’m not on anyone’s “side.” I’d like to sit down with you and hear your versions of events. Please come to my office during your regularly scheduled lunch break. 

Sincerely, 

H— 

B—, 

Very disappointed to hear that you skipped your meeting with Human Resources and I don’t want to hear anymore excuses. Yes, your ailment is recent, but this is a handicap accessible office. A— has been in a wheelchair her entire life, and she’s never missed a single meeting. 

There are people in this office I expect this kind of attitude from. J— and the other mutineers, sure. But I hold you to the higher standard you’ve set for yourself. Now let’s say we put all this behind us and focus on what really matters: we could get this Stenson deal done today! Think about what that would mean for you, for C—, for the kids. 

All the best, 

M—

Hi C—, 

Thank you for the email. I am B—’s supervisor at H— D—. I’m sorry to say that I haven’t seen him. He was acting strangely at work and I hope that he told you that we’ve had to dock him a day’s pay for leaving early. 

He didn’t mention anything about, “Seeing the secrets of the universe” or “reaching out his tongue and tasting time” in the office. Perhaps there’s something wrong at the Health Club? He talks frequently about exercising there. 

All the best, 

M—

Hello Officers, 

I couldn’t see any reason for what B— did to C— and their children. Here at H— D— employee welfare is our number one priority. He had been acting strange, but I didn’t see (or hear) him sharpening his knife. There was nothing to suggest that he would do that to them, or to himself when he got home. In fact, he left without authorization. 

Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. 

All the best, 

M—

P—, 

On behalf of everyone at H— D—, I’d like to offer my sincerest condolences. B— was a hard worker who said he loved his family. He fooled us as much as he fooled everyone else. 

I hope that you’ll reconsider placing Stenson’s business with us. 

All the best, 

M—